Firefly
by Rakasha's Sparks
Summary: Not sure of rating, tell me if I should change, Haku reflects. Song fic.


Disclaimer: I no own Spirited Away… ;.;

_Firefly_

By: Rakasha's Sparks

When I said go, I never meant away  
You ought to know the freaky games we play

You left. I told you to go, to hurry, and you left. I didn't say anything. Just watched, let those precious moments where I could have shouted something after you vanish into time. You left.

I never wanted you to go. I wanted more than anything to keep you here with me, just never leave you. Even then, when we were so young, I wanted to wrap myself around you and never let you be alone. Or in danger. I wanted to keep you safe like your parents didn't seem able to.

You left. I told you to go, but you should know better than most the games that spirits play. I couldn't tell you to stay, ask you to be with me, but I thought-hoped-you knew that I never wanted to be without you. Where are you? I want you here with me. I need to feel your presence again.

Could you forgive and learn how to forget?  
Hear me as I'm calling out your name…

Every night I see her in my dreams. I watch her grow. Are these really dreams? How can I know what she'll look like as she ages? How can I be sure? All I know for sure is these dreams of you leave me craving your touch, your warmth, you...

Lin and Yubaba have both asked me if I am alright. Apparently I wake up after those dreams screaming something that they cannot make out. But I know what it is. I scream your name. Can you hear me? I don't think you could, but maybe? Maybe you know how I feel, how much I long for you. How I need you with each breath I take? Can you hear me? Do you want to?

Firefly come back to me  
Make the night as bright as day  
I'll be looking out for you  
Tell me that you're lonely too

I find myself watching the bridge on nights that I am supervising the bathhouse. I watch for your small form to appear on the bridge, I wait for you to come back to me. I'm lucky most of the windows on that side are generally unused workers corridors, because I've spent more than an hour there, lost in my thoughts of you, imagining you running over the bridge, shouting my name, a beautiful smile on your face.

There are also days I sit on the steps into the spirit world and watch the sea of grass, remembering you running across it, following my instructions to not look back. Do you know why I said that? It had nothing to do with your safety. I didn't trust myself to let you leave if you looked back. I couldn't have kept myself from begging you to come back, and never leave. But, on a more egotistical level, I didn't want you to see the tears on my cheeks.

Firefly come lead me on  
Follow you into the sun  
That's the way it ought to be  
Firefly come back to me

I want to be with you in the world of sunlight and purity. Humans, even the evil ones, are essentially innocent. I want to follow you into the eternal sunrise that spirits see at the gate and live with you in your world of laughter and daylight.

Would you accept me into your life? A god with no permanent roots? No where or one to rule over? Exiled by humans from your world? Could you love me? Could you heal the scars left by that betrayal? That's not even a question. You already have. You showed me the beauty to be found in humans with your lovely caring smile.

I've never confided this with anyone, but my favorite fantasy of you is simply you on my back, showing me the path into the sunrise. Sharing all the beauty of the world with you. All the love inside of me is represented in that sunrise. Can you feel it? Do you even know what you mean to me?

You and me  
We shared a mystery

Humans are so blessed. They are allowed to love one another. They can share souls with those who mean the most to them and stay with them through time. Spirits do not love. We feel fondness for one another, certainly. We can form lasting friendships. But those charged with keeping the balance in the human world are not given the ability to love.

You changed that. Somehow you broke through that barrier and showed me how to love. And I do love you. The feeling and knowledge of this grows with every breath I take; with every day. I never knew how beautiful life could be until you showed me love. Until you opened my eyes and heart to the beauty of life and others. And I will always have that in me. Even if I never see you again. Even if I live out eternity knowing that I couldn't make it to you, I will still have that blessed gift, and I will never be able to thank you enough for it.

We were so close  
Like honey to the bee

I don't know how or why we created such a connection. I've been drawn to her from the moment I met her. I wouldn't have been at that part of the river that fateful day so long ago, but something drew me there. I didn't realize until much later that it was her. We made a connection so long ago, her innocent brown eyes staring at me; they bore into my soul, binding us.

Most would think nothing of this, but I was able to touch her mind. That doesn't just happen. The only time I can do that is when the other is either a strong psychic, or there is a soul tie. I could not have touched her mind when she was so scared if she was psychic, so that leaves the other. No matter what we are bound together. That's comforting…to a degree. That means that I cannot break my promise to her. We will see each other again. Even if only in our minds.

Fly firefly through the sky  
Come and play with my desire

I know I shouldn't think of her that way, but I do. She makes me hungry. I want so much to be with her in the most intimate of ways, I want to know her body with my hands, as I want her to know mine. I know that we are both far too young for that, but perhaps…one day…

Don't be long, don't ask why  
I can't wait another night

Since she left I feel as though I am falling apart, like some key piece of me is missing. Which is true enough. As she ran across that field she tore off a piece of my heart and took it with her. She soothes me in ways I never realized existed before. I never realized my soul was incomplete until she came and filled me.

Lately Yubaba has been keeping me at the bathhouse, supervising the staff more and more. She seems extremely pleased with what my frayed temper is doing to her business. No one puts a foot out of line when I'm in the area, those who don't work directly with the customers scurry to do their work or find something to make them look busy. Without you around, I am what I am. A dragon. And the entire bathhouse can see the difference. They know not to mess with a heart broken dragon.

Firefly come back to me  
Make the night as bright as day  
I'll be looking out for you  
Tell me that you're lonely too

I want so much for her to be as lonely as I am. That sounds horrible, but if she is then maybe, just maybe, she'll come back to me. I long to be with her with every fiber of my being. I want to be with her. I found out not to long ago that since I have my name, my contract will eventually expire. In a few short years I can go to her. I can keep my promise. Maybe that is why I have been thinking of her so much recently, I know that eventually I'll be with her again.

That last part wasn't right. It implies that I don't always think of her. She never strays far from my thoughts. I see her in dreams all the time, waking and otherwise. Sometimes I'll see her by the big tub when I walk by, or slowly scrubbing the floor with the Yuna. She is everywhere. Or maybe, she's just inside of my heart.

Firefly come lead me on  
Follow you into the sun  
That's the way it ought to be  
Firefly come back to me

_Author's Corner_

Sorry for the lack of updates on Elemental Spirit. It's been a busy month and now I'm in Oklahoma typing frantically to get as much of a book done as I can in a week. We're also coming up on one year since my grandfather died (April 3). It's a hard time. I had this typed a few weeks ago, by Alaina has also been busy (not that I had time to post anyway!) so massive thanks for finding time to edit for me! I hope you all enjoy! Read and review please! Any comments, constructive criticism or other is welcome. Flames will be laughed at and immortalized in the Hall of Shame.

Kasha


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